No, this is not a drill.
Hey, how’s it going?
Goodness it’s been a while hasn’t it?!
What’s new with you?
Uh-huh, yup…yup. Ooo interesting!
What about me you ask? Hmm well, nothing much to report really. I mean I’ve gone and handed in my notice for all three of my jobs, made a decision to move to a country I’ve never been to in September and the other day I accidently gave my train ticket back to Cornwall from London to a homeless man…..you know, same old.
Don’t worry, I got back to Cornwall in one piece and I like to think not only did the homeless man have the best chorizo sandwich of his life but also he used my free ticket to any place on the Great Western Railway line to relocate to a destination that will be kinder and more gracious to him. Good luck my man.
I guess I better explain this Bali thing.
Mind blown? Don’t worry mine is too. Trust me, only a month ago I was simply looking into a little self-development holiday and now, well……BALI BABY!!!
I don’t know, it all happened so suddenly.
It started with a message to a very dear friend asking for any tips about traveling to Bali for a three-week period. Said friend is a fabulous and inspiring person. She planted a seed in my brain and over night a beanstalk grew. I just knew I had to take a leap of faith and do something with my life. The finer details of how I got to this decision don’t matter. What matters is I’m about to dive head first off a metaphorical cliff and I genuinely have no idea if I’ll sink or swim.
Let’s put it this way, for the last year and a half I’ve just been existing, not living. Don’t get me wrong while living in Cornwall I’ve gained vital work experience, made some lovely friends and learnt how to brew a cracking cappuccino but that’s not enough for me. Put bluntly I know I am destined for so much more.
Throughout my time down here I’ve felt…well actually you know what, I can show you.
Above is a page out of my journal. One day a few months ago I asked myself what was wrong and I wrote it down. Looking back at these words it makes my heart hurt. No human should ever feel that way about themselves. In all honesty I felt like this was it. My life on paper and I just had to accept that and try make the best of feeling trapped and unfulfilled.
I need to accept nothing.
I deserve more than I ever gave myself credit for.
So I’m doing something about it.
Am I just another millennial cliché embarking on a self-indulgent journey?
Probably. In societies eyes. In mine I’m a girl who after some unfortunate circumstances way beyond her control found herself stuck in a rut for a year and half and has recently decided that it simply won’t do anymore.
I’m not doing this so I can escape. I’m doing this so I can live.
I have no children, no man in my life. I am responsible for no one but myself.
I owe no one the sacrifice of my happiness.
I have every opportunity to be selfish and I’m going to take it.
And what if it all goes tits up Jessiny? Well Negative Nelly’s at least I can look back at this spur of the moment life altering adventure and say ‘I can’t believe I did that!!!’ rather than, ‘God dammit I wish I HAD done that’.
I was born into this world privileged. Privileged that I will always have a home and a family to return to should life decide to knock me down again. Should Bali not work out, it’s ok. Really.
There’s always Hong Kong, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand…THE WORLD. If it goes south, this adventure won’t end in Ubud.
No no my loves it’s only where my story begins. The first chapter so to speak.
I won’t live with regret.
Regret that I didn’t travel when I had the chance.
Regret that I let society define and dictate what I should have achieved by the age of 24.
Regret that I stayed in a job that held no progression for me.
Regret that I worked so hard thus forgot to live and appreciate the moments.
I will not let my fear of change hold me back.
This won’t be easy for me. I am doing this on my own with virtually no income, no job security, no place to live. I have to find a new home for Daisy and Dennis (my cats) which is yet another heartbreaking loss I need to come to terms with.
I repeat this will not be easy.
I am a homemaker. I own enough clothes, knickers and socks to clothe a small village or so many that I can quite comfortably go a whole month without doing ANY laundry (#fact). On my bookshelf I have peacock feathers from when I was 16, a pinecone I collected in South Africa, a pebble that my mother gave me when I was 9 and a million other little trinkets worthless to everyone but me. I have never traveled light in my life. When I go anywhere I always unpack even if it’s for only 2 or 3 days. I have never lived out of a suitcase. It gives me gut wrenching anxiety to not be prepared and to not have enough stuff for every eventuality. Even my handbag is oversized to fit all my ‘necessities’. Let’s call them what they really are Jessiny, a safety net.
So I need to do this. I need to find comfort in myself not things. I will always be a homemaker. I will forever have the snuggliest, book filled, gyspy looking pad. However, imagine if I am able to reach a place in myself where I can also be just as content on my own with nothing but a notebook and a rucksack. That concept is utterly alien to me. In fact it petrifies me.
One of my closest friends, my voice of reason Mr. Pepper said to me ‘Freedom comes without security, they are at opposite ends of the scale”
Well, I’m leaving my books behind, rehoming my babies and moving halfway across the world without a concrete plan. I don’t think you get much MORE out of your comfort zone and away from security than that! Not in my little life anyway.
I need to stop being scared. Either it will work or it won’t.
It’s as simple as this:
Jessiny, what do you want?
I want to live.
I want to find peace.
I want to be happy.
I want to wander new lands and dance.
I want to create art and cook.
I want to take photos.
I want to be immersed in culture.
I want to live a free spirited existence and help people.
I want my life to be abundant. I want it to burst at the seams with adventures and shenanigans.
But most of all, most of all I just want to be able to close my eyes when I’m 102 and say,
“I lived a great life”.